Today, I was reflecting on resilience and why I don’t give up. It brought me back to a vulnerable space I was in about 2 years ago that I thought was important to share. Without too much detail, I can step into the exact moment that propelled me into my path in life. I had reached another spiral of despair and shame in my life, fueled by misery and the incessant need to stuff whatever I could into my veins to escape my reality. Tired of the morbid self reflection and the despair from not being able to break the deadly cycles, I chose to mix up my “final shot” and end it. After releasing the 1cc that was destined to end my existence, I decided to admit defeat and let the death train spiral in. As my breathing got heavier and the room got darker, I came to peace with the fact that I would never experience the happiness I wanted for so long. As the tension grew in the house, my family knew something was up. Regardless of it being 4am, and they should have been getting rest, mother’s instinct kicked in, and they knew I wan't okay. With my breathing becoming more shallow, I knew it was time to make my peace and to ascend into another realm. Just when my heart was beating faster, and I was slipping away, that’s when the miracle happened. In walked this colorful form I have never seen before. She was about 5’6”, African American and glowing. She walked in, leaned down, and gave me a kiss that I will never forget. She told me, “It’s not your time, you’re destined for more”. Just then, the unexpected happened. My breathing came back, my heart rate slowed down, and I was immediately sober.
After the darkest night of my life, I finally started to see color again. The sun rose, with the birds chirping louder than ever. The Universe had gifted me a second chance. That was the biggest moment of my life that carries me through the darkest times, to this day. Now, I didn’t share all this to get sympathy points or a poor me. This was to show you, the viewer, why I choose to not give up. Regardless of up bringing, social class, gender, or race, we all have moments where we fully understand why we are still here. I ask that you take a step back and reflect on those moments of magic. Embed them in your brain, in your heart, and let them be the beacon of hope to carry you through the darkest of storms. This is where character and strength are developed, in the chaos of our own confusion and misery. A muscle can never reach it’s maximum strength unless it is torn down and built back up. Recognize that our life has seasons. Some are bright and glorious, some are dark and morbid, and some are just “okay”. Regardless of the time, our resilience lies in how we weather these seasons. Are we going to fight the current, or release our resistance and lean into the wind? Only then do we understand the true flexibility of our character.
These tests to our being bring about a vital message that we must hold onto. What is that message to you? This is personalized, never universal. But, there is a common theme I see in these Dark Nights of The Soul that remain apparent in every individual I encounter. It teaches us that no matter what happens, we can make it through. That we are more than the destined, fated cycles of generational and ancestral karma. Our blueprints for existence are out of date, and those of you that landed on this blog are living proof or rewriting you story. I still have my days where I want to throw in the towel and give up. Where I just want to admit defeat and cancel out everything I’ve done in this life time. For me, hope in something greater then myself is what brought about this level of awareness to my destined path. As I grow and expand into the being I am today, this destiny seems to bend and mold with the tide. So, I release expectation of what I wanted my life to be, and resign to the fact that I am EXACTLY where I NEED to be. Even when I’m crossing the street, and that dickhead in a Mercedes almost hits me, I landed at that exact moment in time for some grander purpose. The good, the bad, and the ugly all have meaning in it for me. Now, I consciously choose, at times, not to look at the why or the details, but just accept it for what it is. A lot of this acceptance came from when I recognized my gifts, my talents, my “magic”.
My strength is in my heart. It’s the depth of my love and the depth of my passion. Where I was raised to see this as a weakness, I choose to see as a strength. So, that’s where my mission came about. My destiny was to embed this warm loving heart in everything I do. There are days where it runs empty because I have been freely giving it to others, and that’s okay. It teaches me to give that warmth back to myself and to connect to something bigger. To allow this Universal life force to enter me and to fill me up with the warmth and love of its very own embrace. So, today, when the times I get tough, I hold onto the idea that the spirit that entered my room that night knew my heart and knew my soul. She knew that I needed to embed that more into my life and into the lives of others. With the understanding of polarization, balance, and duality, I recognize there’s a cause and effect in life. That with every down there is an up. As above, so below. For every moment of darkness, there’s a moment of light. I also recognize that this is a fundamental part of learning and growing. It’s the suffering that no longer has to live in this new reality. As long as we realize that these dark days, dark emotions, dark WHATEVER, are nothing but teachers to us, we will be better off. It didn’t come about to break us down, it came about to build us up. Let pain be the motivator to move you closer to unconditional love. Let sadness be the reason for you to constantly seek happiness. Let the darkness be the reason you inch closer and closer to the light. And so it is, and always will be…
When it comes down to the energy that we carry on a day to day basis, I can’t help but discuss the burdens of our past, and how they can effect our present moment. Have you ever met someone for the first time, and you could sense their timid nature? It’s instictive for us as humans to do a basic read on any individual we meet for the first time. It’s a survival technique that helps us to distinguish between friend and foe. This is because we are intuitively reading the individual, their energy, their body language and mannerisms. What I like to refer as “culture karma”, is a state of being where our past defines our present moment. When you have been given such labels as criminal, addict, crazy, homicidal, or suicidal, we tend to carry those labels with us on a day to day basis. When we show up for job interviews or meet strangers on the street, that is the energy we are giving off. “Don’t come close to me, I am (XYZ).” This is where healing our wounds and forgiving our past is an integral part of moving forward.
When we carry these labels with us, it can effect our everyday life. Even years after integrating our lessons and becoming better individuals, carrying this burden can and will bleed out into every facet of our lives. It will effect our daily interactions, including being able to move forward in careers. Until we make peace with the fact that our past doesn’t have to define our present moment, we immediately break through the stigma and open doors to a new way of living. Yes, our past serves an important role in the definition of who we are at this given point of time. But I am speaking on holding onto the weight of negative titles that we carry on our shoulders.
For a very long time, I carried the title of “drug addict” on my shoulders. It was a weight that was extremely difficult to bear. When I met you, I knew you didn’t want to see who I was. You didn’t want to see the monster in my heart. I couldn’t live with that title, so who else could? This is when I had to learn that even though it has shaped me into the man I am becoming, it doesn’t have to be a life sentence. Institutions like to give us such titles to help put a general framework on understanding who and what we are. Some of these titles, however, carry a heavy stigma that can keep us cast into a corner that can be extremely lonely and difficult to get out of. Through healing my childhood wounds and integrating all of those aspects into the now presence, I am slowly learning that those titles don’t fit my current framework.
The important part of the removal of this title and energy is integrating a new title and a new energy. Now, keep it expansive, we don’t want to remove a limited title and replace it with a limited title or energy. Keep it broad and flexible. Something that will bend and mold to the creation of your new being. When you start to wake up, you will see how fast your beliefs can shift as you get closer and closer to your natural imprint. As your frequency rises and adjusts, so do your beliefs. So let’s not restrict ourselves to a category that won’t leave any head room for growth.
Who do you want to be? What do you want to embody? How does this new title feel? Is the jacket a little loose or a little tight? Do you have room to grow in this title, or is it setting you into a cramped framework? The beautiful part of recreating your reality, is that you can paint it however you want. Granted, not everyone will like it. It takes a new kind of bravery to stand on your own two feet and to discount the fear components embedded in a lot of societies DNA. I knew I was tired of living out the same monotonous day-to-day existence. I was tired of waking up, condemned to a life of misery and anguish because I had a fetish for putting needles in my arms. That is why I consciously choose to rewrite my story.